The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My vagina just recognized that song.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
