Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
