Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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