I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
