But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
