Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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