I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
