when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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