We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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