Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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