Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
