I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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