I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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