i just sent this text using only my big toe
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
