I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
