So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
