The maid of honor just puked.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
