Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
