not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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