I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
