Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
