I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
