when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
