God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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