Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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