sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
