so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
