Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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