who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So many bounce houses so little time
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
