i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
