Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
