it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I'm both gender and math confused
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
