I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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