I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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