i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
