Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
