Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
If I die, sorry about rent.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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