Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
