he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
