Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
