two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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