My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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