The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
