On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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