My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Randomize
