jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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