I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
