Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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