I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My liver just had a heart attack.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
