my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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