had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It's just like the Real World with babies
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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