hotel room ftw
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
