DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Shame - the story of my life.
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