my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
