You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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