I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Randomize
