sarcasm needs its own font
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
