I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
He better not be in your backpack
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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