she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
